


"Horndog Hatter" Series

by nikkilittle



Category: American McGee's Alice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 18:18:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15646290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkilittle/pseuds/nikkilittle
Summary: A collection of stories concerning Hatter's "libido eruptions" and their fallout in my modern American Alice in a real Wonderland series.  Features all three of Hatter's wives.





	1. Table of Contents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Table of contents with a description of each story. Each chapter is a complete story. All chapters in chronological order.

Table of Contents:

 

1\. Table of Contents

2\. Matching Up the Hatter

Revenge is a dish best served pickled. Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

3\. The Short Stick

The Hatter is the only virgin in Wonderland and somebody's got to do him. Caterpillar makes Alice and Arianne draw straws. Who's gonna get the short stick and the short stiff? Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

4\. The Gnome Elder's Birthday Gift

Alice makes a present of herself to the Gnome Elder every year on his birthday. This year, however, Alice has, shall we say, a bit more to offer. AU with a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

5\. Bride of Hatter

Alice and Arianne find a permanent solution to "the Hatter problem." Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

6\. The Education of Sarah

The Cheshire Cat teaches Hatter's new wife the ways of Wonderland. Alternate Universe with a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

7\. Nightmare in Valrhona

Cheshire is hanging out at the gnome village bar and hears about Alice's nightmare about one-eyed teapots. Alternate Universe: a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.

8\. Return to Swilly's

Alice and Cheshire reprise their date in Swilly's five years ago. This time Alice remembers not to bring her Bowie Knife strapped to her hip. Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.


	2. Matching Up the Hatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge is a dish best served pickled. Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Matching Up The Hatter

by Nikki Little

 

It was bound to happen. The Hatter, lovesick as always, had finally gotten the idea of checking out the eligible young gnome women in the village. Now before you criticize Hatter for doing such a thing, let me emphasize that the gnome women in general are tiny, delicate, ethereally beautiful things. It's a wonder Hatter didn't think of checking them out sooner. However, there's always something that goes wrong with even the best-laid plans. In this case, it was the gnome men. As soon as the gnome men saw Hatter coming and realized what he was up to, the gnome girls went flying. Gnome fathers tossed their daughters into closets, storm cellars, kitchen cabinets, armoires, and just about anywhere a gnome girl would fit – which was just about everywhere. One gnome father even tossed his daughter down a well. That must have been interesting when he came back to fish her out later. By the time Hatter made it to the village center, there wasn't a gnome girl or woman in sight. Hell, the gnome men had even hidden the grannies.

Now it's true that there were some human options for Hatter. For example, there's myself. Lord help me! I'm Arianne, and I was brought to Wonderland by Alice after our little adventure in the White House Lobby. Now you would think that I would appeal to Hatter. I'm short, dark-haired, and a dead ringer for Maria Bartiromo, the CNBC reporter who is best know as “the money honey.” You would think that I would look good to Hatter. You would be wrong. It seems that Hatter likes his women very thin and boyish-figured. Think Kate Moss. I ain't no Kate Moss. I'm a size eight, and in Hatter's book, that makes me a “fatty.” Thank you Lord for makin' him so picky! Hatter is so ugly he makes Bill the Lizard look like George Clooney. Did I mention that Hatter is charmless as well?

Of course, there's Alice. Oh, boy... Where to start? There was a time when Alice was Hatter's ultimate fantasy personified. You see, up until about two years ago, Alice was best described as “Twiggy with red hair and freckles.” Now Alice has always been a pretty thing with her long, straight, coppery-red hair and those hypnotic, translucent, pale green eyes. She was also skinny as a cornstalk. She was straight up and down in all directions. If she had worn pants, you would have thought that she was a long-haired boy. Alice was a tomboy who really looked the part. That all changed about two years ago when the Cheshire Cat introduced Alice to the delights of Valrhona chocolate. Love at first bite! Now we all know what happens to women who have a love affair with chocolate. Alice actually got off easy. “Twiggy with red hair and freckles” turned into “Judy Garland with red hair and freckles.” Now Alice is nowhere near what anyone could describe as “fat,” but, these days, she's a long way from the kind of skinny, boyish girl who catches Hatter's eye. He won't even look at her anymore. Personally, I think he's crazy. Alice is more beautiful than ever, and all you have to do to be convinced of that is watch what the gnome men do whenever Alice walks by the village. The gnome women have actually started bribing Alice with clothes to keep her distance from the village. Alice now has more dresses than Imelda Marcos had shoes. So, anyway, no human females in Wonderland for Hatter. What to do about this guy?

Problems often come in twos, and so it was in Wonderland. Unknown to Alice, the Cheshire Cat had been writing stories of Wonderland and uploading them to THE WEBSITE THAT MUST NOT BE NAMED via Alice's ibook and dial-up internet connection. How ol' Furbutt – he's all paws – learned how to type is a mystery to me. Ol' Furbutt got the idea of uploading a link to his stories to a Lewis Carroll fan site. Banned! It seems that this she-monster of a moderator whom everyone calls “Little Red” had branded ol' Furbutt's stories as “porno.” He couldn't believe it.

I know all this because one day I caught ol' Furbutt banging away on Alice's ibook while she was away at the still making hooch with Bill the Lizard and the White Rabbit for all of Wonderland. Furbutt confessed everything. He had somehow gotten hold of Alice's administrative password and had created a new user account for himself. Since Alice had the log-in screen set to require typing in the name as well as the password, she hadn't yet noticed the new user account. As ol' Furbutt spilled his guts to me, he showed me the Lewis Carroll fan site and the avatar for the evil “Little Red” who had banned him. Little Red's avatar, an actual photo, was a dead ringer for the “Twiggy” version of Alice. The resemblance was amazing. Little Red had the same hair color, the same gaunt face, the same freckles, the same nose, even the same eye color. The only difference was that this Little Red slathered on enough make-up to drown a moose. Alice wears almost no make-up at all. Tomboys like Alice rarely care much about make-up. It was at that moment that I got the idea, the truly delicious, evil idea, of solving two dilemmas at once: how to match up The Hatter and how to get Cheshire Puss his revenge.

Bringing along Alice, the Gnome Elder, and the Cheshire Cat, I made the trip to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave to discuss inviting Little Red to Wonderland with him. That topic was delayed for a moment as everyone agonized about what to do with Hatter. As the Cheshire Cat put it: “We've got an antique virgin running around Wonderland looking for any female who suits his tastes. We need to find somebody for him before he starts getting ideas about the White Queen of the Pale Realm.” Caterpillar looked at Alice and me, “What's wrong with one of you two?” I quickly informed Caterpillar that I was unavailable. Period. I didn't say that I found Hatter repulsive beyond endurance. Alice started to squirm. Caterpillar looked at Alice and asked, “And you?” Alice fidgeted a moment and then replied, “I'm not Hatter's type and he's not my type, either. End of discussion.” Caterpillar started to ask Alice why she wasn't Hatter's type, but, while standing behind Alice, I shot Caterpillar a sharp look and pointed to Alice's butt. Caterpillar got the idea. We came up with no solution to the “Hatter Problem.”

I thought it was the perfect moment to bring up my proposal to bring “Little Red” to Wonderland. I made no mention of my ulterior motive to parade her around under Hatter's nose and get them married off. I merely made a lofty-sounding speech of introducing a Wonderland fan to precisely the place that she thought mythical. Bullshit spreads even in Wonderland.

So it was officially decided to extend an invitation to visit Wonderland to “Little Red.” The choice of Ambassador was easy: there were only two creatures in Wonderland besides Caterpillar who knew how to blow smoke portals. Hatter was obviously unsuitable for the job, and so Alice it was.

Thanks to a security flaw in the Lewis Carroll fan site, it was easy to obtain Little Red's email address. Alice emailed an invitation to visit Wonderland and attached a few photographs as bait to catch Little Red's attention. Alice was aware that there was a good chance that Little Red would believe that the invitation was a hoax, so she asked Little Red to provide an address and promised to visit her first to prove that the invitation was genuine. Alice did not mention how she planned to arrive.

Sure enough, Little Red took the bait. She didn't even ask about how Alice obtained her e-mail address. Every ambassador needs a secretary, right? Alice took me along with her on the trip to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave. This was Alice's favored location for blowing smoke portals to locations outside of Wonderland.

Alice greeted Caterpillar and engaged in some idle chit-chat to kill time until the agreed-upon time for the visit. No doubt Little Red was expecting Alice to arrive via taxi. The look on Little Red's face when Alice and I stepped out of the smoke portal was priceless. After seeing that, it took no time at all to convince Little Red that Wonderland was real. As befitting already known aspects of her personality, Little Red did not waste any time in being rude: “You're Alice? Ummmm........ I was expecting.........” Alice cut her short: “You were expecting a young, thin, blue-eyed blonde. Sorry to disappoint you.” I quickly intervened to head off a possible spitting contest and suggested that an immediate trip to Wonderland might be a good idea. Little Red's eyes brightened: “You mean we can all go back to Wonderland the way you came?” “Of course,” said Alice. “Have bong, let's travel!” Poof!

With the unsuspecting Little Red now in Wonderland, Alice and I put our devious plan into action. We had arranged an outdoor tea party for Little Red at Hatter's residence. It was our plan to get Hatter and Little Red drunk out of their skulls together in the hope that Hatter might mistake Little Red for Alice – and that Little Red might mistake Hatter for a handsome, charming fellow. Period brandy goggles, you might say. Bill the Lizard had already transported two dozen bottles of Alice's extra-potent period brandy to the Hatter's outdoor tables. Everything was ready. Among his many talents, Hatter was quite a good cook.

In the meantime, until the tea party, Alice and I took Little Red on a tour of Wonderland. First on our list was the Land of Fire and Ice which is just outside of Caterpillar's Oracle Cave. We thought that this was a good starting point as the realization that there were still some dangerous creatures in Wonderland would ensure that Little Red would not wander off alone later. Sure enough, shortly after we stepped out of Caterpillar's Oracle Cave, a pair of boojums swooped down on us. Alice tossed me the ice wand and whipped out her Bowie knife. The showoff! One toss and one of the boojums went up in flames. I nailed the other one with a stream of ice. I was glad that Alice was willing to let me use the ice wand instead of saddling me with some other weapon. It was easy to kill boojums with the ice wand. She had already made a permanent gift of the croquet mallet to me.

She was also considering giving me the jackbomb. The rumor around Wonderland was that Alice hated the jackbomb because she scorched her eyebrows off every time she used it. During Wonderland's Civil War nearly thirty years ago, Alice had even once set her dress on fire while fighting the Tweedle brothers. Alice had to strip the dress off in the middle of combat. The two Tweedles were so mesmerized by the sight of Alice in her lingerie that they start discussing her scrawniness and failed to notice that she had set a jackbomb directly underneath both of their enormous tushies. BOOM! Bye-bye Tweedles. Yup, Alice scorched her eyebrows off. She was quite a sight as she straggled back into the gnome village. She was so bony back in those days that none of the gnome men bothered to stare. The gnome women tailors giggled non-stop as they hastily cut another dress for Alice. They made several extra dresses for Alice to take with her -- “just in case.”

Anyway, after the boojum scare, Little Red stuck very close to Alice and me. At the border between the Land of Fire and Ice and Wonderland Woods, Alice and I both noticed that Little Red was dripping. This was so convenient that if I had planned it I would have thought I was a genius. During the boojum attack, Little Red had wet herself. 

Alice led Little Red and me back to our house with Mr. White and Bill the Lizard back in the old mining village of Pandemonium. After wiping down Little Red with old newspapers -- yuck! -- Alice took Little Red into a storage closet that had her old dresses. Alice whipped out a size two and Little Red stared. “That used to be yours?” Little Red looked Alice up and down incredulously. “Yes,” said Alice, smirking a bit, “I was once as bony and boyish-looking as you.” Alice was not the least bit embarrassed. “Thank God those days are over!” said Alice. Little Red's jaw dropped. Little Red couldn't believe that any woman would dislike being a bony stick figure. I had a terrible time suppressing the hysterical laughter that kept threatening to escape me. Needless to say, Alice's old size two dresses fit Little Red perfectly. Little Red looked so much like the old Alice that we figured that Hatter, once drunk, would never be able to tell the difference.

We hustled Little Red into an outdoor shower and left the dress and some of Alice's old lingerie draped over a chair. Couldn't send her off to the Hatter smelling of pee, now, could we? Once Little Red had scrubbed off her accident and gotten dressed, we started to skip down the path to Hatter's. “It's off to see the Hatter! He's got all the charm of a toad!” sang Alice. 

We arrived at Hatter's home at dusk to find some outdoor lights wired up at Hatter's outdoor dining area. The table was all set. The bottles of Alice's period brandy were everywhere. Let the drunkenness begin! Alice began with an explanation of the ways of Wonderland:

“There is no currency in Wonderland. We all have our roles to play in this society. Hatter, here, runs just about everything technical in Wonderland. He runs the electricity plant, the water treatment plant, the wastewater treatment plant, and he maintains the few telephone cables that we've run down here from the world above. For example, I have Wonderland's only internet connection. As far as I know, there are no telephones in Wonderland. Nobody really seems to want one. Arianne, here, works at Hatter's water treatment plant. I work with Mr. White and Bill the Lizard to produce all of Wonderland's brandy. The bottles you see on the table are my own special recipe. The gnomes work in Hatter's treatment plants and do many other things also. All of the clothing in Wonderland is hand-made by the gnomes. There are also several laundries in the gnome village. Everyone has a place to live and everyone has a task to fulfill in our society. No one is left out. No one is excluded. Wonderland probably looks primitive to you, but in terms of social arrangements, I believe that Wonderland has advanced far beyond the world uptop.”

Hatter passed out plates of sauteed mushrooms and bowls of walnuts. There were raw vegetables from Mr. White's garden. There was a plate of goat cheese from the gnome village. Bowls of fresh fruit adorned the table. Little Red looked around the table. “No meat?” she asked. “Nope,” I told her, “In Wonderland, we're all vegetarians whether we like it or not. That's one reason why everyone here is skinny.” Little Red eyed Alice and commented, “Not everyone.” Alice stared Little Red straight back in the eye and grinned. “Have some brandy?” Alice asked Little Red. She was already plotting. I could see it in that evil grin of hers. When Alice grins, run for your life!

Little Red proceeded to make the biggest mistake of her life. She accepted the brandy. Alice's brandy. Alice's period brandy. Alice's 140-proof-knock-you-on-your-ass brandy. Little Red didn't notice a thing. Smooth as a silk cushion Alice's period brandy was. It was always the same. You didn't know you were drunk until you passed out. Hatter didn't know the brandy was Alice's period brandy, either. The drunker Hatter and Little Red got, the better they looked to each other. Alice's period brandy could make even old Mr. White look sexy. The period brandy goggles on Hatter and Little Red were working overtime. Alice thought it was time to go fetch the gnome priest and took off toward the gnome village.

By the time Alice got back, Hatter was calling Little Red “Alice” and Little Red was too blitzed to notice. The two giggled nonstop. If I hadn't been drunk myself, I think I would have puked. I had witnessed it all. Needless to say, Hatter paid no attention to me at all for a reason that I've already mentioned. I motioned to Alice to send the gnome priest in and she stayed out of sight to avoid destroying Hatter's hallucination that Little Red was the old, skinny Alice.   
The deed was done, and Alice and I both quietly made our exits. Revenge is a dish best served pickled.

The next morning, Alice and I both awoke to the sound of a blood-curdling, window-rattling, eardrum-shattering screech. Alice spoke first: “I think Little Red just noticed the wedding ring. Guess I better e-mail her web site that Little Red won't be coming home.”

I informed Cheshire that the deed was done and off he skipped singing:

The Hatter is all hitched!  
To an incredibly nasty witch!  
He thought that she was Alice,  
And he took her to his palace.  
He's such an amazing dope!  
To have fallen for such a joke!  
It's sad that his bride so new  
Is such a nasty shrew!

Three days later, Little Red, wearing one of Alice's old dresses, fled up the Rabbit Hole in the middle of the afternoon. I'm sure the insane asylum employees saw her and mistook her for Alice. I wonder what she's doing now?

The End

 

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) holds the rights.


	3. The Short Stick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hatter is the only virgin in Wonderland and somebody's got to do him. Caterpillar makes Alice and Arianne draw straws. Who's gonna get the short stick and the short stiff? Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

The Short Stick

By Nikki Little

 

It was Caterpillar's idea. That day when Hatter was seen chasing the White Queen in circles in the Pale Realm's central square was when Caterpillar decided that Wonderland could wait no longer. Hatter was still a virgin – the only one left in Wonderland, excluding children, of course. There were only two human females in Wonderland. One of us had to “do” the Hatter. Caterpillar decided that Alice and I would draw straws. Whoever got the short stick got the short stiff. Since Caterpillar was so highly respected in Wonderland, refusing him was not really an option. Alice opened up her weapons cabinet and handed me a dozen bottles, one-by-one, of period brandy. “Just in case you need it,” she said. Perish the thought!

Alice and I went to Caterpillar's “cabinet meeting” together. All the usual suspects – Mr. White, the Mock Turtle, the White Knight, the Gnome Elder, and, of course, the Cheshire Cat – were there. Conspicuous was the absence of the Hatter. Since this meeting was essentially about him, the Hatter had not been notified. Caterpillar swore us all to secrecy. First to take the floor was the White Knight who began by reading a personal statement from the White Queen of the Pale Realm. She was exceptionally polite considering that she was a married woman who had just been chased in circles by a lust-crazed mad man. Her statement consisted of a plea to the denizens of the rest of Wonderland to please keep the Hatter out of the Pale Realm. The statement from the White King was more blunt: the Hatter was permanently banned from the Pale Realm and would be executed with the guillotine still rusting away in the now-abandoned Red Realm should he ever enter again.

Alice rubbed her chin. She said that she had never heard of the White King threatening to execute anyone in Wonderland. Neither had anyone else. After a few moments, Alice broke the silence. “That's not a King you hear talking. That's an angry husband. He means what he says. We have to keep Hatter out of the Pale Realm. I propose that we post wanted pictures of the Hatter signed by the White King throughout Wonderland. We should include mention of the death sentence. Hatter will definitely get the message. He'll just have to make his way through the decaying Red Realm to get to the rest of Wonderland from now on.”

Everyone, including me, voted in favor of Alice's proposal. Caterpillar now proposed that we get down to the actual purpose of the meeting. He held up two wooden sticks, one long and one short. Everyone knew what the two wooden sticks were for and glanced with lowered eyes at Alice and me. One of us was to be offered up to the Hatter as a sacrificial lamb. I pulled a bottle of Alice's period brandy and two glass tumblers – ironically from Hatter's glassworks – from a basket I had brought with me. I poured a tumbler full for Alice and another for myself. Alice and I looked hard at each other. “May God have pity on us both,” said Alice. She downed her tumbler in just one gulp. I just stared at mine.

The White Knight took the two sticks and held them underneath the table. Then he held up both sticks just above the edge of the table with an equal amount of stick showing above the edge. Alice looked at me and then closed her eyes. She made no move. I looked at the White Knight and, after waiting a few moments for Alice to do something, finally grabbed one of the sticks and held it up for all to see. It was the long stick. “Alice, you can open your eyes,” I said. I shoved the bottle of period brandy in front of Alice. She didn't even bother to look at the stick in my hand. She knew what the bottle now sitting in front of her meant. Alice gave a great sigh and, with a mournful, self-pitying expression, asked “Why couldn't Hatter be gay?” Alice stared at the bottle of period brandy and poured herself another tumbler. “How long have I got before the deed has to be done. How long have I got to steel my nerves?” Caterpillar looked at the White Knight and whispered in his ear. The White Knight nodded in agreement. “Two weeks,” said Caterpillar. Alice looked at the bottle of period brandy and poured herself another tumbler, downing this one also in one gulp.

Alice marked a date on the calendar two weeks away and said nothing more about her impending date with doom – I mean Hatter. Alice was also required to do a convincing acting job in making the offer to Hatter. She was required to make him believe that the offer was sincere and her idea. I didn't think that even Helen Mirren could pull that off. The next day I noticed a devilish grin on Alice's face as she was eating a Valrhona chocolate bar from the stash that the Cheshire Cat had given her so long ago. She ate the whole bar in front of me. This was unusual. It had been awhile since I had seen her eat more than half a bar in one day. Even though Alice is a size 12, she's quite fitness conscious and fairly disciplined in her eating habits. I wrote it off as nerves and said nothing.

Thirteen days later, the day before Alice's rendez-vous with misery – I mean destiny, she came back from the Gnome Village wearing a brand new dress. It was just like her others, but with one startling difference: it was blazing crimson red. With Alice's long, coppery-red hair, it was a perfect match for her. It's a wonder that I didn't notice anything else different at that time. I must have been blind.

Now everyone in Wonderland knows that Alice and I are a couple and that we sleep together at night. On the night before Alice's scheduled tryst with Hatter, we were having a love-making session of our own. As I stroked Alice's cheeks, I finally noticed what I should have seen, but didn't. Alice's filled-out cheeks felt even softer than usual. As we caressed each other's bodies the way we usually do, I noticed that Alice's breasts felt a little bigger and softer, her hips were even more generously padded, and her butt, that butt that caused gnome men to stop dead in their tracks and stare, was positively pillow-like. No wonder Alice had gotten a new dress. She couldn't fit into anything she had! I couldn't help myself and started to laugh. I laughed until I had tears rolling down my face. You see, Hatter likes his women thin and boyish. He thinks any woman over a size 6 is a fatty. I would guess that Alice was now a 14W. When you consider that she's only five feet tall... “Don't worry,” said Alice. “It's only temporary. It's all for Hatter.” I didn't object to Alice's new softness at all, but I kept that to myself.

“I wish I could be there to see the look on Hatter's face when he catches a glimpse of you au naturel,” I told Alice. That's when Alice informed me of her desire for witnesses. She wanted the Gnome Elder and me up in the trees watching to verify if Hatter did indeed reject Alice as I was now convinced that he would. I looked at Alice in surprise. “The Gnome Elder?” It was only then that I learned that Alice had been making a gift of herself every year to the Gnome Elder on his birthday. His wife had died before Wonderland's civil war, and Alice had been doing this every year since the end of the civil war. I did not object.

The next day at noon, the Gnome Elder and I scaled that massive tree in Wonderland Woods that overlooked Alice's favorite mushroom patch. As we waited for Alice and Hatter to arrive, I had the sudden feeling that we were not alone. “Cheshire! You furry little pervert! Show yourself!” First the grin, then the tail, and then the rest. Wonderland's only cat in residence revealed himself on a lower branch. There was nothing we could do about him being there of course. Chasing the Cheshire Cat was Wonderland's greatest act of futility. Then Cheshire spoke, “I'm here at Alice's invitation. Why she wants witnesses is a mystery to me, however.”

Hatter and Alice arrived in the clearing, and the show began. Hatter began dancing around Alice, stripping off his clothes one piece at a time and twirling them into the branches. Did he actually believe that Alice wanted to be there? Alice would deserve an Oscar for that act! Alice merely stood there and smirked. Hatter finally dropped his drawers revealing what looked like a short, rotting sausage link. I could not help gasping, but Alice continued to smirk. The flag was definitely up, but Alice had a cure for that. Alice reached for what appeared to be a cord on the back of her blazing red dress. The dress dropped around her ankles revealing a completely unclad, decadently lush, Alice underneath. Alice clapped her hands to heavily padded hips causing her now jello-like breasts and butt to ripple like gentle waves rolling languidly onto a tropical beach. Cheshire moaned, his eyes crossed, and he fell out of the tree. Four paws and another flag up. Hatter's flag, however, dropped as fast as his jaw. Hatter turned and ran, snatching his clothes as he went. I turned in the tree to see the Gnome Elder with a glassy stare on his face. “My birthday is next week. Yes!!!”

Word got back to Caterpillar of Hatter rejecting Alice and another meeting was called. Alice and I were again expected to attend. We went together, and when we walked in, everyone looked at Alice and started to snicker – including Caterpillar. “Pretty obvious why Hatter rejected Alice, isn't it?” said Caterpillar. Alice sat there with a sweet, demure smile on her face, oblivious to any oblique insults. You could almost see the halo. Caterpillar then remarked that since Alice had failed in her mission to initiate the Hatter, it was my duty as the only remaining human female in Wonderland to, ummm......, nevermind. Alice's face fell instantly as I'm sure mine did. It was certainly too late for Alice to give Hatter a second chance: to him, Alice was a blimp. He wouldn't touch her for anything. As for me, I was only one dress size above Hatter's limit. It's a wonder Caterpillar hadn't given me the task of initiating the Hatter in the first place as I was obviously much more to his taste. Like Alice, I was given two weeks to steel my nerves. Alice shoved a leftover bottle of period brandy from our last meeting in Caterpillar's Oracle Cave in front of me. I didn't need a glass.

I considered my options. I could leave Wonderland and move back into the homeless encampment. If it weren't for my attachment to Alice, I would have done just that. Doing what Alice had done was not an option for me, not only because it was impossible – I'm a size 8, but also because I wasn't quite prepared to do that to my muscular, athletic frame. I needed a third option.

I got old Bill McGill and the Mock Turtle and we went over to the now-capped rabbit hole. Ever since Alice's little adventure in the White House Lobby, the rabbit hole had been capped by a rock that could be slid aside by a system of pulleys. The Mock Turtle turned the heavy crank to pull the cap aside, and Bill McGill helped me wrestle the ladder into place. I went up the ladder, through the rabbit hole, and walked straight into the asylum. I had a business proposition for Little Red – Hatter's wife on the lam.

At that point, Little Red was willing to do just about anything to get out of the asylum – even have sex with her husband. I assured Little Red that she would only have to do it once and then she could get her marriage annulled and leave Wonderland immediately afterwards. I didn't really have the authority to offer such a deal to Little Red, but I was sure that Alice would provide Little Red with the means to get home whether it was approved or not. Being the lover of Wonderland's living icon has its rewards.

I arranged for Hatter to play the hero and snatch Little Red out of the asylum in the middle of the night and, of course, she was appropriately grateful. Little Red kept up her end of the bargain, and Hatter, seeing a skinny waif much to his liking, had no trouble keeping his end of the bargain up. Would this be a good place to mention that the asylum had lost Little Red's contacts and that she couldn't see past her tiny little nose without them? It was the mercy of fortune. The deed finished, the Gnome priest quickly annulled the marriage, and Alice spirited away Little Red before anyone besides Hatter, myself, and the Gnome Priest knew she was back in Wonderland. Word of the midnight raid on the asylum never did get out, and Caterpillar is none the wiser to this very day.

So, in the end, everybody was happy. Hatter got laid. Alice and I escaped getting poked with a rotting piece of sausage. The Gnome Elder got the best birthday present he had ever gotten in his life. Little Red escaped from the insane asylum and went back home to her web site where she continues to flush Cheshire's stories down the toilet.

Mr. White, who is Wonderland's artist-in-residence, painted two nudes of Alice in all her Rubinesque glory and gave one to me and one to the Gnome Elder – who now has something to do on his 364 unbirthdays of the year.

And me? I have Alice – well, most of her. Alice stayed Rubinesque for quite a few months after the “Hatter Incident” as it came to be known. She seemed to get a kick out of seeing at least half a dozen gnome men turn blue and pass out every time she walked by the village. The Cheshire Cat went cross-eyed every time he saw Alice and disappeared immediately into the brush whereupon strange noises instantly came forth. Eventually, however, Wonderland's enforced vegetarian diet stripped Alice of her goddess-like proportions whether she liked it or not. Her former stocky, athletic-looking physique has returned and her size 12 dresses fit once again.

What if Hatter gets horny again? Alice, with that devilish ear-to-ear grin that only she can manage, opened a closet revealing a recently acquired secret weapon. “A piece of rotting meat for a piece of rotting meat.” It was a life-sized anatomically correct Tim Burton's Corpse Bride sex doll. 

 

The End

 

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the rights.


	4. The Gnome Elder's Birthday Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice makes a present of herself to the Gnome Elder every year on his birthday. This year, however, Alice has, shall we say, a bit more to offer. AU with a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

The Gnome Elder's Birthday Gift

by Nikki Little

 

This was definitely one year that I was looking forward to my annual birthday gift from Alice. Every year since the end of the civil war, she had been making a gift of herself to me on my birthday. Now in the beginning, I had appreciated the gift, but I didn't find myself looking forward to it with any great anticipation. You see, Alice was quite a skinny stick back in those days. Up until the time the Cheshire Cat got her addicted to chocolate, she was rail-thin and completely curveless. She was flat-chested, straight-hipped, and no-assed. Well, that's only a slight exaggeration. She did have the slightest hint of hips and a butt. Of breasts, however, there was not even a hint to be found. Bedding such a boyish-looking girl was not an event that I eagerly anticipated.

After the Cheshire Cat got Alice addicted to chocolate, however, I found myself looking forward to her annual gifts quite a bit more. The girl filled out quite nicely, and was both athletic-looking and quite feminine at the same time. At least half the weight she added appeared to be solid muscle. In all truth, she had been seriously underweight for a long time. Now I started looking forward to Alice's annual gifts a lot more as the girl had what you normally expect on a human girl: breasts, hips, and a butt. Oh, that butt. What an ass that girl has! How on earth did that skinny runt get a butt like that? Unlike the other gnome men, I don't feel guilty for admiring the view when Alice walks by the village. My wife died during the civil war, and, as much as I miss her, life goes on. The other gnome women, however, highly object to just about all of the gnome men staring at Alice when she walks by our village and have taken to bribing her with clothes to keep her distance. Alice does indeed honor the terms of the bribes. These days it's rare to see her walk by as she takes the long route to Wonderland Woods via The Vale.

This year, however, I found myself looking forward to Alice's gift a lot more than usual. Alice's gift this year, you see, took place about a week after what has come to be known as “The First Hatter Incident.” Hatter went more or less crazy from a lack of sex in his life and chased the White Queen of Pale Realm around in circles in Pale Realm's village square. The White King banned Hatter from Pale Realm and pronounced a death sentence on him if he ever set foot in Pale Realm again. Caterpillar made Arianne and Alice draw sticks to determine who would toss Hatter a charity screw. I'm actually amazed that Alice submitted to this demand given the temper she's got. I was there when Caterpillar made the demand, and I half expected Alice to toss a jackbomb underneath his squishy behind. She held her temper, however, and drew straws with Arianne later to determine who would be the sacrifice. Alice got the short stick.

I must say that Alice found a most creative way to get out of sex with Hatter. Now everyone in Wonderland knows that Hatter likes his women thin. The only reason, I suspect, that he was willing to touch size 12 Alice was that she was so athletic-looking. Caterpillar gave Alice two weeks to work up her courage, and Alice used those two weeks to put on a considerable amount of weight: enough to make Hatter take one look at her in the mushroom patch and run in horror. I saw Alice there, too -- she had requested my presence as a witness to the rejection she said was a sure thing -- and I was not repelled by her appearance. If anything, I thought that Hatter must have been out of his mind. 

A week later, Alice showed up right on schedule and, with an embarrassed look on her face, told me that she would understand if I preferred to skip her annual birthday gift. There was no need to mention the reason why. I told Alice that, having seen her in the mushroom patch a week before, I found her newfound plumpness to be quite attractive. Alice was not entirely surprised. Alice herself does not hold to the beauty standards of the world above and much preferred her size twelve athletic-looking figure over her former rail-thin size two figure. If there was one thing Alice hated about being so skinny, it was being totally curveless. This was something everyone in Wonderland knew: the girl had had a psychological inferiority complex about being flat-chested. Needless to say, after becoming a size twelve, Alice had a nice, fairly firm set of Bs upstairs. Nothing spectacular, but appropriate for her height and athletic build. That was then.

When Alice went into my bedroom, she spied my wife's old scales in a dusty corner of the bedroom and asked if she could use it. It seems that Alice had no scales in her own house and was curious as to what the damage of two weeks of binging on chocolate, nuts, and goat cheese had been. Alice mentioned that her old weight had been consistently around 132 on the few occasions that she had found to weigh herself in Cheshire's house. Cheshire has a scales, but never uses it out of embarrassment. He knows he's much too scrawny for a lynx. Alice stripped down to obviously new lingerie and nervously stepped on the scale. I stayed back as I didn't want to intrude on her privacy, but she said I was welcome to see the number. Gnome scales only go up to 150 pounds, so I knew that it was less than that. The number on the scales was 149. Alice laughed nervously and commented that it was more than she was expecting. Alice is only five feet tall, and this was quite a change from what she had been before the Cheshire Cat got her addicted to chocolate.

There was a full-length antique mirror in my bedroom, and Alice stripped off her bra and panties -- she never wears anything more as undergarments -- and stood in front of the mirror wearing nothing but socks and curiously inspecting the view. I simply had to ask, “Do you like what you see?” 

Alice was silent for a few moments, and then responded. “I had expected that after I had gotten rid of Hatter that I would be most eager to get the added weight back off. It never, ever occurred to me to keep it.”

I repeated the question, “Do you like what you see?” 

Alice hesitated a few moments and then responded. “I shouldn't like it, but I think I do. Deep down inside, I think every girl who is a skinny curveless stick wishes for a plump, curvaceous figure at least occasionally. I always did. Suddenly I find myself with the figure I had fantasized about. I feel very conflicted about this. I think I look quite fat, but I like the curves.”

At this point, you'll probably scream if I don't give a description of Alice, so, most reluctantly, I will. You all know that she has long, copper-red hair. That hadn't changed and was spectacular as always. Alice's entire body is covered with freckles, including her face. Right across the bridge of her Judy Garland nose from one cheek to the other, Alice has a particularly thick swath of freckles. Absolutely adorable. Alice's heart-shaped face was now edging toward roundness with very chubby cheeks and the slightest hint of a double chin. Her lips, as always, were unadorned by lipstick and were a pale rose pink. Alice's face had no need of make-up. Her jawline was completely blurred. I personally thought her face very cute, but any more added weight and she would have had a round, fat face. Not cute. Alice's pair of Bs upstairs had expanded to a pair of Cs. When you consider that she's only five feet tall, Cs look pretty big. They jiggled with her slightest movement. They were jello-like and rose and fell with each breath that Alice took. With each exhalation they seemed to bounce and then wobble a bit.

In case you're wondering, yes, I already had the most extreme erection of my life. In fact, as I watched Alice in front of the mirror, I had the sensation that I might pass out at any second. She was a goddess! Her hips flared outward and were heavily padded. Her butt had gotten bigger, too, and seemed water-filled. I thought it was spectacular, but I suppose it would have been a turn-off to men of conventional tastes. Her butt jiggled with her slightest movement. Just below the waistline, Alice had acquired a large pouch of fat that spread from hip to hip and went all the way down to the crotch. Right at the waistline, it stuck straight out at least two inches before it started to curve downwards. It was jelly-like and jiggled even more than Alice's breasts and butt.

Alice poked herself in the thickest part of her pouch, causing it to jiggle. She seemed fascinated as her finger plunged inwards at least three inches. Alice looked upwards at me and a wide grin spread on her face. Patting her pouch with both hands she said, "You're going to have a very, very comfy ride."

Alice returned her gaze to the mirror and now did what almost any other human woman would be terrified to do. She turned sideways. Her eyes popped open as she suddenly realized just how big her breasts had gotten. Alice reached behind herself and lifted her derrière up a little and then let it fall. It bounced. Alice made eye contact with me and patted her behind with obvious pride. "Do you like my Brazil?" Alice walked closer to the mirror and inspected her face, pushing her fingers into her cheeks. When she smiled, there were round, rosy circles of flesh right at her cheekbones. I thought Alice was a spectacular sight, but I understood also why Hatter was turned off. A plump, jiggly goddess is not to everyone's taste. 

Alice climbed into the bed still wearing her socks and sat at the edge, leaning forward just a bit. She turned slightly so that she could see herself in the mirror. Her breasts hung down to her elbows and swayed slightly. "You're going to have more to play with this time." The wide grin on her face became a mischievous, playful smile, beckoning. Below the waistline, her pouch spilled out into her lap. Alice looked curiously at it in the mirror and lifted the roll up with one hand -- it filled her entire hand -- and then let it drop. The roll of flesh bounced once and then jiggled as Alice stared at her reflection in the mirror.

She invited me to sit on the bed beside her, and pinched the flesh at her side just above the waist. There was indeed the beginning of a spare tire to pinch -- perhaps an inch between the fingers. Alice turned to directly face me and squeezed the newly acquired soft flesh of her upper arms. "Go ahead," she said. "Go ahead and squeeze." I'm sure I smiled as I accommodated her. Pure delight! Alice then patted her thighs and said, "There's more meat down here, too. There's pretty much more meat everywhere!" 

Mirthful smile on her face, Alice leaned back in the bed, waved a condom in my face, and invited me on top of her. Alice required me to use the condom to receive my gift. No considerate male would refuse. She was utterly soft and made me think of a water bed as I sank downwards a little bit into her. Her breasts practically billowed on her chest, and that thick pad of fat that swelled skyward just below her waistline made the most comfortable perch for sex I had ever encountered. No wonder some human men like a bit of a potbelly on a woman. Her body was well-padded from head to foot and exuded a high level of heat that she had never had before. 

I felt light-headed and intoxicated as we moved together rhythmically. Alice was never passive during sex and clutched with her arms and legs. Sometimes she would roll over on top of me. When on top, she felt like a soft, lush comforter. Being a gnome male, I know how to hold my wad unlike the typical human male. I dismounted and began my foreplay to get Alice worked up so that we would both climax at the same time. Gnome males have a knack for that. 

I began by kneading Alice's water-balloon breasts and then stroked them underneath. This always got her panting. That girl always loved having the undersides of her breasts stroked. I kneaded her newly softened upper arms and gently stroked her now very chubby cheeks. Next I rhythmically pressed the insides of her elbows with my thumbs and proceeded to do the same to the backsides of her knees. Then I circle-stroked her belly which now also had a soft layer of fat on it. It wasn't really enough to see, but it was enough to feel -- just the right amount. 

My favorite part was kneading her well-cushioned hips and then turning her over to knead that magnificent, jello-like butt. Alice always turned passive when I did this, simply lying there and enjoying the rhythmic kneading. Then I did something I had never done before: I kneaded her thick pouch of fat right below the waist. Alice began to moan loudly as I did this and several times asked me to continue. I saved the insides of her thighs for the last of the foreplay. For the first time ever, I had to move her thighs apart to find space to rub. The last time her thighs had been muscular and solid. Now they had a bit of spongy give. 

Finally I went for her clitoris -- never forget the clit, guys! -- and then we got down to the real business. The last thing I remember is Alice screeching like a wildcat when my head felt like it exploded. If there's one thing I knew about sex with Alice, it was that all of Wonderland knew when she was getting laid. She could not keep quiet to save her life. 

We never woke up for the remainder of that day, and Alice spent the entire night in my bed. I woke up before she did, and started to make breakfast for two -- something that I had not done in nearly three decades. Alice was still asleep when I had finished, and I went in to wake her up. Alice was still nude except for her socks, of course, and walked up to the mirror to look at herself. She turned back and forth slightly as she gazed. I kept silent, and finally Alice spoke, "I look really good with lots of meat on me don't I? I don't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to keep all this weight. I like how I look. I like how soft my body feels. Hell, I even like the fat tummy. I nearly went crazy when you massaged it. You did get a really comfy ride, didn’t you?" I certainly did, and hoped for a repeat next year. Alice got dressed and came downstairs to join me for breakfast. She ate with the freedom of a woman who is entirely comfortable with her body.

I was thrilled that Alice wanted to stay a goddess. She had two nude paintings made of herself soon afterwards. Old Mr. White nearly popped a gasket while painting her, but he managed to keep his concentration on his brushstrokes. I got one painting and Arianne got the other. 

Alice seemed to take a particular delight in flaunting her new curves in front of the Cheshire Cat who always disappeared into the brush immediately after sighting Alice. There's a rumor in Wonderland that Alice gave the Cheshire Cat a gift a few days after I got mine. Arianne was ecstatic with Alice's newfound curves. She tried to hide it, however, because she was just a wee bit embarrassed at her preference for a plump figure. There are, however, no secrets in Wonderland. 

Eventually Wonderland's vegetarian diet took away Alice's fleshy curves, and she became close to what she had been before "The First Hatter Incident." The Cheshire Cat, all of the gnome men, I, and especially Arianne were disappointed, but it was probably best for Alice's health that she did not stay so plump. Alice was disappointed, too, but said that she was unwilling to engage in unhealthy eating habits to keep her size.

After Alice, Hatter, and Arianne returned from their trip to Hell, Alice's size twelve dresses finally started hanging loosely on her as they had done before. It seemed that the massive overdose of rage potion had taken the last few added pounds off Alice. It was at that moment that Hatter chose to flush all the good will he had created with his admirable, even heroic, behavior during his trip to Hell. 

Hatter had caught the White Queen outside of Pale Realm when she was returning from a trip to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave and, I guess, just could not help himself. Caterpillar called another secret “cabinet meeting” that excluded Hatter. When Alice discovered the agenda, she burst out in frustration, “I knew I should have stayed fat!” Her head thumped down on the table and she moaned pitifully. 

This time, however, Alice was spared. Caterpillar dumped the odious task of servicing Hatter into Arianne's lap who promptly turned pale as a corpse. Mr. White pulled a flask of period brandy out of a cabinet and poured a tumbler for Arianne. "I keep several bottles of period brandy in that cabinet for emergencies. I think this qualifies." 

Arianne, hands shaking slightly, downed the tumbler and commented, "Hatter's human, and you're a rabbit, but I'd rather have sex with you than him any day!" I sensed that Mr. White was a wee bit offended by this, but, with the polished manners that he was known for, Mr. White held his tongue. I suspect that he decided that Arianne, in her misery, deserved a bit of slack. This time there was no “Little Red” around to provide Arianne with a way out. Poor Arianne. Caterpillar remained aloof, as always, while these events unfolded. Thus had arrived "The Second Hatter Incident."

Two weeks later Arianne showed up in our little village wearing a slightly ill-fitting dress from Alice and wanting a brand-new dress. Blazing red with a pull-catch on the back. Here we go again.

The End

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the copyrights.


	5. Bride of Hatter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice and Arianne find a permanent solution to "the Hatter problem." Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Bride of Hatter

by Nikki Little

 

“If it’s a choice between Hatter on my bones, or meat on my bones, I choose the meat.” Arianne had now gone through the same ordeal as I had the previous year. If you ask me, she got lucky. I seriously did not think that Hatter would reject her because she was now pretty much the same size as me -- a twelve. Arianne, however, is not quite as athletic-looking, and that made the difference. Having made a narrow escape from getting poked by Hatter, we now both turned our attention to the idea of a permanent solution to the Hatter problem. No, we weren’t planning to kill him. That was out of the question. We just couldn’t take any more of Hatter morphing into Bill Clinton on an annual basis and treating us all to another bimbo eruption. Or Hatter erection, to be more exact.

Arianne and I discussed the problem over a dinner by ourselves one evening. We usually ate dinner with the rest of the distillery employees, but this time we wanted some privacy. Our first idea to permanently solving the Hatter problem was simply to threaten him. I would show up in his castle wearing my Queen Of Hearts face and carrying a pair of scissors and threaten to snip him if he ever treated us to another White Queen incident. I quickly dismissed this as it was a threat that I would never be willing to carry out. As much as Hatter drives me crazy, I have to admit that he is my friend and that I wouldn’t be willing to deliberately harm him in any way. Flush number one.

Our second idea was to introduce Hatter to the concept of the brothel in the world uptop. We quickly dismissed this idea as well as neither one of us wished to introduce venereal diseases to Wonderland which were and always had been nonexistent down here. It also occurred to us that this would be an excellent way of creating Wonderland’s first AIDS case. Flush number two.

The third idea was to find a “clean” prostitute and bring her down here so that Arianne and I would no longer face Caterpillar’s expectation that we serve as whore substitutes whenever Wonderland had a out-of-control erection running around. Arianne, who knows the world above infinitely better than I do, nearly fell off her chair laughing at the idea of finding a prostitute who was “clean.” Flush three.

The fourth idea was simply to say “no” to any more of Caterpillar’s demands that we drop our panties to any idiot who couldn't control his impulses. Arianne didn’t know how Wonderland works, and I had to explain it. 

“Caterpillar is the unofficial president and judge of Wonderland for good reason. He’s probably the only one of us who is genuinely capable of being utterly impartial in dealing with whatever problems arise here. Caterpillar values harmony and unity above all else. Whenever a conflict arises between the needs or desires of an individual and the needs or desires of the community, Caterpillar always decides in favor of the needs of the community. When Hatter has one of his White Queen incidents, Caterpillar has pressured you and me to "service" him not out of concern for Hatter, but out of concern for the disruption and disharmony that these incidents create in all of Wonderland. Hatter is irreplaceable in Wonderland, and it would be a great tragedy for all of us if the White King carried out his threat to take Hatter's head. Since Pale Realm is separate from Wonderland and Wonderland's three laws do not apply there, you can understand Caterpillar's point of view."

At this, Arianne looked pensive for a moment and then commented, "So this place is essentially an anarchist commune." Now I had to smile at that, but Arianne had indeed hit the nail on the head. What else could you call a place that shared everything and did not have money? Even Pale Realm, which was separate from Wonderland, did not have money. We gave up on our search for a solution to the Hatter problem and prepared for bed. It was past nine o'clock and I was getting sleepy. I was also getting curious as to why I had failed to receive any ...ummmm... late-night visits from Arianne as I usually did. Was she angry at me for something? I decided to visit her instead and slipped into her room. 

I caught Arianne contemplating the nude painting of me done by Mr. White. "Are you missing that version of me?" I asked. Arianne hadn't noticed that I had slipped into the room and paused a moment to think before answering. "No," she said. "I'm wondering how close I have become to what's in that picture." There was no full-length mirror in our house and Arianne wasn't really sure how she looked now that she was a size twelve like me instead of her old size eight. I sensed a bit of insecurity and realized why she had not come around the last two weeks. "You liked it when I was what you see in that picture. You know I enjoyed it, too. Are you worried that I won't like it on your body? Don't be silly. What I like for your body is exactly what I like for my own body. You do know that I was a size sixteen when that painting was made, don't you? You are far from that size. There's no need to be self-conscious."

This time we made love in Arianne's bed, and I found that Arianne's body was now very similar to my own. The only two differences I found was that she was a cup size bigger than me upstairs -- she was before, too -- and she had a bit more of a roll below the waist. I told her that she was lucky to have that roll as it was probably what had caused Hatter to walk away from her. I also suggested to Arianne that it would be wise to keep the weight until we had found a permanent solution to the Hatter problem. Then she could torture herself with a diet if she wished. 

The next evening we ate alone and again discussed possible solutions. This time Arianne came up with a viable idea. "We need to find another Little Red. We need to find a near-sighted idiot who is in all sorts of hot water and would give anything to come to Wonderland to escape -- even marry an old coot like Hatter." At that precise moment we both had the same inspiration. We both knew exactly who to bring to Wonderland to marry Hatter and put an end to the bimbo eruptions. The perfect woman! Well, perfect for Hatter. Even if she was already married in the world above.

A few weeks later, sure enough, Wonderland had a wedding. The bride was lovely, if empty-headed. The groom was his usual sophisticated and elegant, if not exactly charming, self. "Do you, Hatter, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" asked the Gnome priest. Yes, he did. "Do you, Sarah Palin..."

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the rights.


	6. The Education of Sarah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cheshire Cat teaches Hatter's new wife the ways of Wonderland. Alternate Universe with a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

The Education of Sarah

by Nikki Little

 

“That girl's gotta go!” screeched Mr. White in a Wonderland Committee meeting. He turned around and waved his cotton-gauze-wrapped tail in the air. A gnome nurse slowly unwrapped the bloody gauze revealing a bullet hole clean through Mr. White's tail. Mr. White was, of course, screeching about Hatter's new wife. It seems that Sarah was not adjusting too well to Wonderland's vegetarian diet and had decided to go hunting with the rifle that she had brought with her. Everyone looked at me. When something goes wrong in Wonderland, everyone just assumes that I was around to witness it. Being able to appear and disappear at will is not always a blessing.

“Yes, of course I saw it,” I said. “Sarah was stumbling through Wonderland Woods muttering to herself and looking bleary-eyed. She is also looking quite a bit thinner than when she arrived. She saw Mr. White, screeched something about a moose, and blasted him. She ran up to inspect her kill, but Mr. White surprised her. He jumped up and ran off. Sarah was mumbling something about Wonderland having very strange moose that hop like bunnies. I think she was hallucinating. Withdrawal, perhaps.”

“Withdrawal?” Caterpillar looked disturbed. “She's not a drug addict of some sort is she?”

“Mooseburgers,” I said. “The girl's a carnivore. Wonderland is going to be quite a shock to her diet.” Suddenly I was grateful to be a bag of bones. I wouldn't be much of a meal even to someone who was desperate for some meat. “Couldn't the gnomes spare a goat or two every month so Sarah can have some meat?” 

Caterpillar's eyes brightened. “Yes, of course. I'm sure that would be the best solution for all. Two goats a month for Sarah. I'm sure, Cheshire, that she'd be willing to share some with you. She may be a Republican, but somewhere inside, I'm sure she is capable of gratitude.”

Now I was feeling a little ticked off. “You're willing to spare two goats a month for Sarah, but all this time you've let me, Wonderland's only other carnivore, practically starve trying to survive on snarks. I'm feeling a little bit disturbed here. Is Sarah special and I'm not?”

“You never asked,” said Caterpillar. “Actually, you didn't need to ask. The second law of Wonderland is 'Take what you need.' Had you forgotten?” As usual, Caterpillar was right. I was so used to hunting for food that the idea of killing a domestic goat had never occurred to me. The problem of meat for Wonderland's two carnivores was solved at that meeting. Caterpillar charged me with educating Hatter's new wife with the ways of Wonderland. Hatter couldn't stand to watch her eat because her table manners were like a Viking, so I ended up being Sarah's dinner companion when she ate goat. I have to admit it was quite a novelty for me to have company at dinner.

After our first meal of goat together, I took Sarah to the old faded wooden sign near the Rabbit Hole that had the Three Laws of Wonderland carved into it.

THE THREE LAWS OF WONDERLAND

SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE  
TAKE WHAT YOU NEED  
BE KIND

That was it. The sum of all our laws. Sarah was astonished. “We have laws in the world above that fill thick books. Volume after volume of laws so complex we need lawyers just to tell us what they mean.”

“We don't have money or private ownership of anything except personal articles in Wonderland. Because we share almost everything, the concept of theft barely exists. Also, because we share almost everything, the endless conflict between people that exists in the world above because they compete against each other for everything does not occur here. No one here is deprived of what they need. You would find that sharing would solve most of the world's problems above.”

Sarah stared at me blankly. “I've been wondering just how things are distributed here. Hatter has kept me mostly at his Castle, and I haven't gotten out much. No money? Really?”

“That's right. No money. No theft. No police. No lawyers. No prisoners. No locks. No insurance companies. No security guards. No military. No corporations. No poverty. No want. This place may look primitive, but compared to the world above, it is paradise.”

Sarah was just beginning to understand what a special place Wonderland was. She stared at the faded letters of the sign. “When was that sign posted?” she asked.

“That sign was posted about thirty years ago at the end of Wonderland's Civil War. We overthrew our tyrannical Queen of Hearts and Red Queen who together claimed ownership of just about everything in Wonderland. Everyone had to work for them to earn money to purchase basic necessities. The two Queens set wages very low and prices very high. Everyone worked like slaves just for the basic necessities. The two Queens had a monster called the Jabberwock to enforce their will and an army of Card Guards at their disposal. A wondrous creature of Wonderland called Gryphon, a sort of combination of a lion and an eagle, started a rebellion. The Mock Turtle joined him, then Caterpillar, then Mr. White, then me, then all the inhabitants of Pale Realm, and finally an underground army of gnomes. Alice dropped down the Rabbit Hole right in the middle of our civil war. She was led by Mr. White to Caterpillar and joined us. She was eighteen years old then and had just escaped from an insane asylum. She had no love of the world above. She preferred our civil war. At first she was so inept in combat that we were all sure she'd blow herself up with a jackbomb. She kept straggling back into the gnome village with her clothes half burnt off and her eyebrows missing because she had gotten too close to a jackbomb that she had just thrown. Caterpillar wanted to have her wait out the civil war in his Oracle Cave, but Alice insisted on continuing. She kept getting better and better, and when the Jabberwock killed Gryphon in a now-famous battle, Alice took over as our field commander. A month later, an army of White chess pieces and gnomes led by Alice broke into the Castle in Red Realm and killed the two Queens. It was Alice who suggested abolishing money in Wonderland. The 'Three Laws of Wonderland' were her idea. Not bad for an insane nutjob, wouldn't you say?”

“She sounds like a communist,” said Sarah.

“Alice is too poorly educated to be a communist. She realized that if all of us continued in the roles we had played before and shared our talents and what we produced with everyone else in Wonderland, there would be no shortages of anything for anybody. She pointed out that Wonderland's money was a pure abstraction created by the two Queens for the purpose of controlling everyone else. She asked why we needed money to exchange goods and services with each other. Why not just share? Caterpillar at first thought she was crazy, but we all discussed her ideas and realized that they made at least as much sense, if not more sense, than the system of distribution by prices and money from before. Alice had a question that is now famous: 'Why must there be a price on everything?' Caterpillar, at that point, started to believe that Alice might be a genius in spite of her poor education. In the end, we abolished money just as Alice suggested. Look around you. Do you see here the kind of unhappiness and misery that is so abundant in the world above?”

“No one looks miserable here, except for you. You look like you've been starving.”

“Gee, thanks. Nice of you to tell me how unhandsome I am.” I decided to show Sarah the Vale and Wonderland Woods. “Come with me. Let's take a walk.”

When we reached the Vale, Sarah looked around and noticed Walnut and fruit trees everywhere. “To a large extent, Wonderland is a hunter-gatherer society. Food grows wild everywhere here. Giant mushrooms are abundant in patches here and there. The mushrooms, as you've already discovered, are our staple food here in Wonderland. Unfortunately, one of the species of mushrooms is dangerous. Our largest species of mushroom is the appropriately named 'Killer Mushroom.' Think of it as a mushroom version of the Venus Flytrap. If you you get too close to one, it will suddenly fold its cap around you and drench you in acid. Then it eats you at its leisure. The Killer Mushrooms are probably the reason Hatter has kept you at his Castle and nearby area. You should never have been hunting in Wonderland Woods alone. You sneaked off didn't you?”

“Yes, I did. I couldn't help it. I just had to have some moose.” Sarah did not register that hunting for moose in Wonderland Woods was absurd.

“You were hunting for some moose, so you shot a hole through Mr. White's tail.”

“Well, he was about the same size as a moose!”

“Sarah, Mr. White is nearly all white, has big ears, a twitchy nose, walks upright mostly, and hops when he runs. How could you mistake him for a moose?” 

"Ummmm... I was delirious with hunger." It quickly became apparent that Sarah couldn't tell a convincing lie to save her life. Being a cat has certain advantages. One of them is that no one expects me to be well-mannered. I can get away with things that no one else in Wonderland can get away with -- not even Alice. I grabbed Sarah's purse without warning and began rifling through the contents while she squealed like a mouse that was stuck in a glue trap. Just as I had suspected. 

Sarah had discovered the wonders of a certain weed that grew wild throughout Wonderland Woods. Down here in Wonderland we called it "Wonderland Weed." It's especially remarkable for its potency. Great for inducing hallucinations. Like hallucinations of moose running around in Wonderland Woods. 

"You smoked up and were flying higher than Alice on the vines in these woods. You wanted to see a moose and that's what you saw when the first moving creature crossed your path. You were so high you would have mistaken a boojum for a moose. You're going to have to give up your rifle until you show yourself to be responsible." I snatched the rifle from Sarah and escorted her back to Hatter's Castle. I took the rifle to Caterpillar's Oracle Cave and stashed it in with Alice's Eyestaff. Caterpillar took a moment to rib me about my increasing stature as a "responsible" citizen of Wonderland. Ouch. That made me feel like I was losing my roguish reputation. "Responsible." Hmmmmmph!

A few days later I took Sarah into Wonderland Woods with Arianne's souvenir machetes from Hell for some practice in slaying killer mushrooms. It didn't take long for Sarah to develop an accurate aim with the machetes. It turned out that she was nearly as effective as Alice at short and medium range. Sarah also turned out to be quite fearless. She actually wanted to kill the mushrooms up close slashing at them with the machetes.

It took some doing on my part to convince her that it was a good idea to keep your distance from the mushrooms. I had gathered up some nasty-smelling roadkill from uptop for demonstration purposes and tossed a dead possum under a killer mushroom. The mushroom sprang into life just as I expected. It drenched the possum with acid and proceeded to "inhale" it. And about a minute later the killer mushroom horked up the possum. Sarah did not see anything amusing about this, but I could not contain myself. 

Within two months Sarah was matching Alice in gathering killer mushrooms. Damn! We could have used this machete-tossing lunatic during the civil war. She might have been a second Alice. Who could have ever guessed that a Republican from the world above would turn out to be good for anything? 

As the months went by, Sarah and I developed the habit of eating together as we were the only two carnivores in Wonderland. Neither one of us had table manners to speak of, but of the two of us, Sarah was definitely the worse. I began to wonder if she ate her moose in the world above raw. 

Anyway, as I took Sarah on killer mushroom hunting trips in Wonderland Woods and introduced her to the other areas of Wonderland, she gradually came to accept living in a society without money. Giving away her catch in the open-air market in the Gnome Village by simply leaving it to be taken, the same as Alice did, ceased to bother her as she became accustomed to being able to take whatever she needed without ever offering payment of any kind. Just how our system of everyone playing their role and contributing their part actually worked was a mystery to Sarah, but it was no mystery to me. 

The system in the world above of putting a price on everything, insuring it, keeping it behind locks, having police guard everything, having judges, lawyers, and jails to deal with anyone who doesn't want to pay or can't pay, and having prisons for all the miscreants who have the nerve to think that necessities are a right or who just want to toke up struck me as the real insanity. I still find it impossible to fathom the sheer cost of enforcing distribution of goods through price. Wouldn't it be cheaper and more efficient to just give people what they need?

Sarah argued with me at first that our system was insane, but as she looked around her and saw that our system somehow functioned, she gradually learned to relax and accept the idea that she did not have to do everything at a lightning pace and do it perfectly. The values of the world above -- where private property and efficiency are everything -- were utterly foreign to the population of Wonderland. 

Well, every story needs an ending, and this one is no exception. Sarah is now a respected member of the community and -- very important -- keeps Hatter happy in bed. I even gave Sarah her rifle back. About twice a week Sarah and I meet deep in Wonderland Woods on the border to Queensland where she uses the occasional boojum that pops up for target practice. We toke up and share a small flask of Old Bill's Walnut Brandy. When the flask is empty, we share a few other things, as well. Heh, heh, heh... Sorry, Hatter, but three times a week isn't enough for Sarah. You're going to have to get in better shape, old pal. In the meantime, I'm more than happy to take up the "slack."

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. Electronic Arts (EA) owns the copyrights. Also a nod to James Hilton's “Lost Horizon.”


	7. Nightmare in Valrhona

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheshire is hanging out at the gnome village bar and hears about Alice's nightmare about one-eyed teapots. Alternate Universe: a modern American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Nightmare in Valrhona

by Nikki Little

 

I really gotta stop spending so much time hanging out in the bar in the gnome village. Sometimes I think I hear things I'd be better off not knowing. I should just hang out in the Vale and do my cat thing of hunting snarks. For example, yesterday I was in the gnome bar and Alice showed up in the evening after her shift in Bill McGill's brewery. It seems the night before she had a nightmare and was telling Hatter, the Gnome Elder, Mr. White, and Arianne all about it.

"I was eighteen again and back in the middle of our civil war. Only this time everything was different. This time I was stuck in Hatter's castle with a bunch of one-eyed teapots running circles around me. And I had to fight them with a pepper grinder! How on earth did such an idiot scenario pop into my head?"

Hatter suggested that perhaps Alice should stop eating chocolate before bedtime. All that caffeine, you know. He was also probably thinking about the calories, but fortunately he kept his mouth shut. For that moment.

"How could chocolate give me nightmares, Hatter? Anyway, being stuck with a bunch of Walt Disney's teapots is not exactly the worst of my fears. I'm just curious as to how such a ridiculous scenario could pop into my head."

"So being back in the civil war wasn't really the nightmare part?" Hatter took his hat off and scratched his head. He's actually got some hair now.

"Nope. The real part of the nightmare was that I was skinny and flat-chested again. You remember what I looked like when I was eighteen. I looked like Keri Russell in a size zero dress. In other words, I looked like a cancer patient."

"You did not look like a cancer patient," said Hatter. "You were quite lovely. I miss those days. Now you're so..." Hatter stopped short and bit his tongue as he slowly removed his boots from his mouth. Alice raised an eyebrow. I decided it was a good moment for me to go up to the counter and get brandy for everyone. Even me. I figured I was going to need it in a moment. 

"I am not fat," said Alice. "You just like women who look like boys."

"Oh, hell!" I was thinking. Here we go again. These two fight like an old married couple. She's fat and he's a pervert. Around and around they go. I set the tray of glasses of brandy down at our table and knocked over the pot of hot tea for Hatter. Alice bent over to pick up the teapot and the backside of her dress split wide open with a rip that sounded like one of the Gnome Elder's farts. Alice jumped back into her chair with a look of utter mortification on her face.

"Alice," said Hatter, "you're fat. Admit it. Even your dress thinks you're fat. You need to lay off the chocolate at night. You need to lay off the chocolate, period."

Arianne had been sitting there quietly without a word. Now she finally spoke up. "Shut up, Hatter. Don't you know to keep still when a woman splits her dress?"

"Hatter," said Alice slowly, "it would be a source of great comfort to me if you thought I was too fat to fuck. Cheshire, get me some chocolate from the bar. They've got part of my stash under the counter."

I could contain myself no longer. "Alice, you just split your dress wide open and you're going to eat chocolate?"

"Pfffffft! Why not? The chocolate you got me is now so old it's getting stale. Eat it or toss it. When I get finished, I'm going to walk over to my seamstress and get measured so she can let out some of my dresses. Looks like I'm a size fourteen now."

"More like 14W," I said, eyeballing Alice's hips. Alice patted her right hip and gave me a come hither look. I hate it when she does that. Everytime she gives me one of those looks I have to make a trip under the bushes.

Hatter rolled his eyes. "No dieting?"

"Nope! If Sarah ever gets tired of you, I don't want to be the next object of your lust."

I brought Alice back the chocolate and she sat eating the entire bar slowly and licking the smear off her fingers. The Gnome Elder looked like he was going to faint. Mr. White gave me a sly look and whispered, "Another couple of weeks of this and she'll be ready for more nude portraits!"

I looked at the teapot and thought about Alice's nightmare. A battle with a bunch of one-eyed teapots running around and only a pepper grinder to use as a weapon. Walt Disney drops acid. Hope no video game developers hear about Alice's dream. Somebody will turn it into a boss battle. Some idiot. 

Alice got up holding the ripped parts of dress together and walked over to the nearby house of her seamstress. About thirty seconds later I heard her scream. Up two sizes, not one. I called it a night and made my trip into the bushes. Some things just can't wait. Ya know? 

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.

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Version 2


	8. Return to Swilly's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice and Cheshire reprise their date in Swilly's five years ago. This time Alice remembers not to bring her Bowie Knife strapped to her hip. Alternate Universe: a modern, American Alice in a real Wonderland.

Return to Swilly's

By Nikki Little

When Alice finally tossed out her old stale chocolate, it was getting close to the five-year anniversary of that date that we had made in Swilly's. Alice, the sentimental sort, suggested that we make a return trip just for old time's sake even if we weren't lovers anymore. The day of our date arrived, and Alice, leaving me standing in the hallway of her home in Pandemonium, went back into her bedroom to change. She told me that she had gotten two new dresses which no one had seen yet.

"I got two of these when I had a batch of my dresses let out. I didn't get them to wear in Wonderland. They're only for wearing uptop. I got them with a lower neckline so that I could wear a necklace. Hatter has given me two pocket-watch necklaces to wear with them. I can't really wear a necklace with my usual dresses because the necklaces would hang down on the cloth. That doesn't really look right." Alice twirled in front of me and leaned forward a bit to give me a glimpse down the front. "So what do you think, Cat?" she said. "Do I look presentable?"

Alice had cleavage again. If anything, she had even more cleavage than she had had when she went out to meet Hatter in the mushroom patch. Good grief! She had cleavage. I coughed a bit. Unlike Alice's usual dresses, this design was form-fitting to show off what she had. When it came to the cleavage, I suppose that was a good thing. It also made uncomfortably obvious to me just how wide the rest of her body had gotten. Her hips were once again flaring out just below her waist. Her butt stuck out. She had a thick roll again below the waist, and this dress did not have pleats to help hide it. Later, as we walked to Swilly's and I had to walk behind her because the sidewalk was narrow, I couldn't help noticing that her butt practically bounced as she walked. I realized that I agreed with Hatter. Alice was fat, but I would never tell her that.

"Wow!" I said as I looked her up and down. I was indeed impressed. Also confused. Alice had curves that were positively intoxicating. I was practically dizzy just looking at her. The forbidden question of the world above popped into my head: "Can a fat girl be attractive?" Alice was fat. She wasn't gross or huge, but she was big enough that most people would call her fat. She turned slightly, and I noticed that she had love handles spilling out over the waist of her dress at the sides. Her waistband was the same sash with a bow-tie in the back that her other dresses used. This sash, however, was thinner which allowed the dress to hug her body closer. "Do you really want to wear that uptop?" I asked. "It's more revealing than what you usually wear."

"Of course I want to wear it," Alice said. "I want to show off what I've got while I've got it. I remember the last time I was around this size that I was kicking myself after I lost weight because all my glorious curves deflated. With all the chocolate gone in Wonderland, I doubt if I'll look like this for long."

"Alice, have you looked at yourself in a full-length mirror wearing this dress?" I stepped backwards a bit as I was just a bit worried that she would take the question as an insult.

"I saw myself in a full-length mirror in Hatter's castle when I got the pocket-watch necklaces. Hatter measured the length of the chain to be just right for this dress. There are full-length mirrors all throughout Hatter's castle. He's quite the dandy and likes to have them available to adjust everything to be just right. He's always adjusting the tilt of his hat."

"Did you like what you saw in the mirrors?"

"I know where this is going, Cat. Yes, for the most part, I liked what I saw in the mirrors for the same reason I liked what I saw in the mirrors the last time I was around this size. For a girl who grew up flat-chested and scrawny, this is kind of like a fantasy come true. Although not entirely. I was a bit shocked when I saw myself full-length in Hatter's mirrors. I didn't realize that I was this big. I love the curves, but Hatter's right about me. I'm not going to argue with anyone about that. When I look in the mirror, I see a fat chick. Nice curves, but a fat chick. There are drawbacks to everything, Cat. The only time that I have curves that make me feel feminine and sexy is when I'm fat. So be it. Are you willing to be seen with me in the world above?. Are you willing to be seen with a woman who is five feet tall and weighs 158 pounds?"

I blinked. Alice told me that she had weighed herself in Hatter's castle right in front of him. He nearly fainted. I looked Alice up and down. She had a cello shape that reminded me of the television star Sara Rue at her heaviest. There is no way I'd ever turn down a date with Alice. "Alice, I'd be seen with you uptop even if you weighed 200 pounds." I meant it. I sure hope it never happens though. I hated to admit to myself that I thought she was breathtaking. I didn't really want to admit to myself that I could consider a fat human girl attractive.

I, myself, was wearing a Puss-in-Boots outfit straight from the Shrek movies. I figured that I could get away with wearing such an outlandish outfit because the last time no one noticed a lynx walking upright in a crosswalk. The drivers in the cars were all distracted by various technological devices. I do believe that even an elephant could have sauntered across the crosswalk and no one would have noticed. Standing next to Alice, I realized that I would be quite the ugly duckling, but then, it was never my looks which turned Alice on. It was my roguish personality and voice. Alice claims I sound just like the first actor to play James Bond. She used to have a running gag when we made out in the mushroom patch. She would echo a common line from early Bond movies and screech "Oh Cheshire!" when she was about to, ummm, you know. Damn she was noisy when we made out.

Alice opened a portal to the same creek-bed next to the Asylum that we had used the previous time we had gone to Swilly's. We walked on the grass to the sidewalk and followed the same route. The same as the last time, nearly everyone we saw on the sidewalk had their ears glued to a cellphone. New this time was that everyone seemed to be carrying laptop bags slung over their shoulders. Even men walked around with these bags slung over their shoulders completely unconcerned with the possible accusation that they were carrying a "purse." You would think that someone would notice a lynx walking upright and wearing a Puss-in-Boots outfit. No one gave me a second glance. Everyone was absorbed in inane conversations about utterly mundane things. It was as if every person in the world uptop was now compelled to give a running commentary on their real-time activities via cellphone to anyone who was apparently so lacking in interesting things to do that they would actually listen. Even the occasional soul without a cellphone walked by lost in his own little world. This time I noticed people pushing shopping carts along the sidewalk with what looked like personal belongings in the carts rather than groceries. I had noticed one or two of these on the previous trip, but now they seemed to be commonplace. Lacking a cellphone, they all seemed to mutter constantly to no one in particular. Alice and I crossed the street at the crosswalk, and none of the drivers so much as blinked at the sight of Puss-in-Boots walking upright in front of them.

As we walked up to the door of the restaurant, we noticed two heavily-bearded unkempt men sitting near the doorway with tin cans and a sign in front of them. Patrons coming and going ignored them as if they were invisible. I warned Alice that we didn't have that much money with us and that if she wanted to toss anything in their tin cans, we should wait until after we had paid for our meals. As before, Alice went to the counter and ordered for both of us. 

This time she bought four fish sandwiches, one order of french fries, and two cups of unsweetened iced tea. She had actually remembered to ask for the unsweetened. She placed the one order of french fries in front of me. "None for you?" I asked. Alice stood up and patted her right hip. "I don't think I need them. Not this time." She was smiling when she said it. She left unspoken her obvious implication that I definitely did need the french fries. I looked around the restaurant and noticed that everyone was bent over laptop computers and a new, small type of laptop known as a netbook. The netbooks looked like toys to me. I heard a sudden exclamation of dismay behind me and turned around to see some college boy holding up an expensive-looking Apple laptop with a coke draining out of its keyboard. That was probably the end of that laptop. For the life of me, I'll never understand why people insist on placing a one-dollar drink next to a very expensive laptop computer.

We unwrapped our fish sandwiches and got a surprise. This time the sandwiches were not dripping with grease. Alice gave me an incredulous look. "Cat, do you think it's possible that Swilly's food has actually improved?" Alice took a bite and commented, "The fish is actually edible this time." She lifted the bun to show that the deep-fried, breaded squares of fish were still smothered in a thick layer of tartar sauce the same as last time. She shrugged and ate the fish sandwiches without bothering to scrape off any of the tartar sauce. "You remember that I got sick the last time we were here," Alice said.

"How could I forget? The restaurant manager spotted your bowie knife and called in a SWAT Team. He thought we were terrorists."

"You'll notice that I didn't bring my bowie knife with me this time, Cat. Maybe this time we'll be able to finish undisturbed. I don't think I'm going to puke this time."

"I just remembered what we were talking about the last time we were here," I mentioned. Alice met my eyes, smiled, and stood up beside the table.

"So what do you think, Cat? Mission accomplished? Is this what you were expecting? Or hoping for?" Alice turned slowly for me.

"You screamed when you were in the tailor's getting measured. It seems you've recovered from your shock."

"I knew that I had gained some weight, but I thought that I had only gone up one dress size. When she measured me, I just couldn't believe it. I walked over to a scales that she keeps in the corner. You know that gnome scales only go up to 150 pounds. I stepped on the scales and it blew apart. That's when I screamed. I'm okay, though, now. I'm happy to have back the curves I had when I went out to meet Hatter in the mushroom patch. Really, I am. Would I be wearing an outfit as clingy and form-fitting as this if I weren't?"

I'm sure that I looked a bit guilty. I had told her back then that I had been trying to fatten her up a bit for years. I had only meant to bring her up to a healthy, normal looking weight. Maybe from 100 to 120. Not from 100 to 158. Of course I felt guilty. Deep down inside, I thought that I had turned a skinny girl into a fat chick.

Alice could read my mind. "Don't beat yourself up, Cat. I'm happy." Alice leaned forward giving me a glimpse of the eye-popping cleavage she had acquired. Her pocket-watch necklace fell forward from its nest. "Look, Cat. They're back. My glorious pair of Cs are back. Look around you, Cat. No need to feel guilty. I'm actually the skinniest woman in this restaurant right now."

I looked around and, to my amazement, Alice was indeed the skinniest woman in the restaurant. She was the only woman in the restaurant who looked healthy. All the other women in the restaurant had enormous waistlines and appeared to be well over 200 pounds. None of them had the slightest hint of a shape. As I mentioned before, Alice reminded me of a cello. In a restaurant full of shapeless blob women, Alice looked downright glamorous - like an old-time movie star. She wasn't even wearing makeup. She didn't need it. The men in the restaurant looked just as awful as the women. Beer bellies everywhere. Several people in the restaurant appeared to be over 300 pounds, and there was an enormous blob in a booth in the corner with a wheel chair next to him. He had been wheeled in by his 300-pound wife, it appeared. "We've got to bring Hatter in here, sometime," I said. "He'll never call you 'fat' again after seeing what's in here!"

Alice got up and dumped our trays leaving only our glasses of iced tea on the table. I admit that I enjoyed the view as she walked away. I should also mention that Alice looks really good in white. Definitely her color. I gazed rapt as she returned to our table. The heart-shaped face and angelic chubby cheeks. That cute swath of freckles across her nose. The sensual sway of her flaring, well-cushioned hips. She almost made me wish I weren't a cat. Then I remembered that thing that humans call "work." Ah! Alice! Sweet Alice! Why couldn't you have been a lynx?

Alice sat back down at our table and leaned forward to drink from her cup of iced tea. I'm sure that it wasn't intentional, but Alice had just given me a close-up view of the Grand Canyon. I thought of melons and mountain ranges, grapefruit and water balloons. I just couldn't take it. I jumped up to go into the bathroom, and the door to the men's bathroom was locked. I couldn't wait. The bathrooms were those small types for one person at a time that locked. I looked around and saw that no one was paying any attention. I dashed into the women's restroom and locked the door. I didn't make it. I no sooner got my pants down than I exploded all over the light fixture overhead and then on the bathroom mirror. I'm sure I nailed the sink, too. I cleaned myself up as best I could and hurried back to our table. "Alice, we've got to leave," I said. I looked back at the restrooms and noticed that a woman was on her way toward them. "Alice, we've got to leave now!" I grabbed Alice's arm. We left the cups of tea on the table.

"What did you do, Cat?" The woman screamed from inside the bathroom. A manager hurried toward the scream.

"I made a mess in the bathroom. Run!" We scurried out the door and Alice tossed what was left of our money to the two veterans with cans and signs in front of them. I was impressed that she remembered them while we made our hasty exit. "You kept flashing your cleavage in my face and I just couldn't hold it anymore. The men's bathroom was locked and I went into the women's bathroom. I exploded all over the light fixtures, the mirror, the sink, pretty much everywhere. It was hanging down from the overhead light and off the mirror like ectoplasm from a Ghostbusters movie."

Alice opened a portal right there in the middle of the crosswalk and shoved me through. Right before I passed through, I turned around to witness the two veterans splitting up the money that Alice had tossed evenly. A tiny bit of civilization in an uncivilized country. One looked up at Alice and me with silent thanks on his face. The only one to make eye contact during our entire trip. The portal did not phase him. Perhaps he knew who we were? We arrived at the bar in the gnome village. Alice was laughing hysterically. "Do I really have that effect on you, Cat? I wasn't flashing intentionally. I'm just not used to this dress." I looked around and all the gnome men were staring at Alice with their mouths hanging open.

"Alice, you need to go home and change your dress." Alice pursed her lips and made a funny look. Oops.

Alice opened another portal and off we went to her house in Pandemonium. I waited outside her bedroom door while she changed into one of her usual dresses. She invited me in. Alice's face changed expression as if she had just changed her mind about something. "Want to go shopping with me?" she asked. When Alice says shopping, it usually means stealing in the world uptop. Alice got out her looking glass and flashed us both. She opened a portal into the Wal-Mart just behind the Asylum. The portal stayed open. She grabbed several boxes of Lindt chocolate off the top shelf and loaded me up. She took several boxes for herself. We dashed back through the portal before even eight seconds had passed. We dumped our loot on Alice's bed, and she carefully cut one box open with her bowie knife. Lindt chocolate. Each box contained twenty 3.5-ounce bars.

"I haven't had chocolate in a week, and I've decided not to give up chocolate. I love chocolate. I love my body just as it is right now. Get used to me looking like this, Cat. I regretted losing weight the last time. Seeing my boobs and butt deflate was like watching a horror movie in slow motion. I'm not losing weight again." Alice ripped open one of the Lindt bars and gobbled it with what looked like sexual ecstasy. She moaned and panted in-between bites. According to Alice, the Lindt wasn't quite as good as the Valrhona, but it came very close, and it was a lot easier to find. Needless to say, I couldn't verify this. Chocolate is poisonous to cats. Google it if you don't believe me.

Alice meant it about not giving up chocolate. She found a whole series of Wal-Mart warehouses that were deserted at night, and began stealing Lindt from them on a regular basis. She only took a few boxes each time. No more stale chocolate for Alice! I can tell you that Alice never did lose any weight, but she didn't gain any more either. I was thankful for that. For the next few weeks, it seemed that Alice took great delight in flaunting her size in front of Hatter and eating chocolate bars in front of him. She made a great show of licking chocolate off her fingers in front of him. It was downright erotic how she licked that stuff off her fingers. She even had Mr. White paint a nude portrait of her in the classic "Odalisque" pose and gave it to Hatter, who promptly turned pale, imagining, no doubt, the reaction his wife would have to the portrait. Arianne got the portrait, and put it up where her old nude of Alice was hanging. The old nude went into the house's storage closet.

Every year thereafter, at about the same time, the gnome elder would wind up in Hatter's medical clinic with pulled muscles and torn ligaments. Rumor has it that it was always on his birthday. About once a month Alice would break a vine in Wonderland Woods. Fortunately her parachute dresses still worked the same as always. Eventually the great quantity of broken vines on the floor of the woods became a source of endless jokes, but Alice was happy and ignored the wisecracks. We all got used to Alice's more fleshed-out appearance except for Hatter. Most of us even liked it - especially Arianne and me. Arianne liked her softness, and all that jiggling was a real turn-on to me. I could barely look at her without blowing a gasket. I came to the conclusion that Hatter was nuts. I agreed with him that Alice was fat. So what? She was breathtaking. I asked Hatter why being fat automatically made a girl unattractive. He had no answer.

A few years later Alice's foresight became apparent. Sarah's gung-ho method of attacking killer mushrooms by leaping up on top of them while brandishing a machete over her head finally got her eaten. After slaying one mushroom, she got a little too close to another one while dragging the dead one, and it sucked her in. Swoosh! No more Sarah. No more sex for Hatter, either. Hatter went bonkers again. So predictable. This time he chased gnome housewives around in the gnome village. Well, at least he had the sense to leave the White Queen alone this time. 

Caterpillar did his usual of calling in the old guerilla war council - excluding Hatter - and had the White Knight hold up a pair of straws in front of Alice and Arianne again. The White Knight rolled his eyes, but did his duty. Well, by this time, Arianne had gotten nearly as big as Alice and she broke out laughing. "Hatter won't fuck us - we're too fat!" Alice and Arianne walked out together with tears of laughter rolling down their faces leaving the clueless Caterpillar wondering what to do next. Everybody - except Caterpillar - knew that Hatter regarded Alice and Arianne both as unfuckable blimps. They weren't, of course, but Hatter thought so. 

Alice and Arianne went uptop to search for another floozy who was desperate to get away, and they found one. Plucked her right out of a Los Angeles prison where she had been locked away again for getting drunk. If she hadn't been a celebrity, she probably wouldn't have been bothered. It was all quite ridiculous, and she was desperate for an exit. To make matters even better, she was a skinny, red-haired, freckle-faced waif who looked a lot like skinny little Alice when she arrived in Wonderland. Alice arranged matters with the gnome priest and had her tailor make a wedding dress for the floozy.

"Do you, Hatter, take this woman to be your bride for as long as you both shall live, or until she gets eaten by a killer mushroom?"

"I do."

"Do you - stand up straight you little drunk - Lindsay Lohan..."

The End

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This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.

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Chocolate really is poisonous to cats. Keep chocolate of any kind out of reach of cats. It's poisonous to dogs, too.


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